Resolving Everyday Conflicts Series - Gently Engage Others

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Gently Engage Others

1. Colossians 3:12-14: The Heart's Transformation (The New Wardrobe)

This passage focuses on the character a believer must "put on" as God's chosen, holy, and dearly loved people. This new identity in Christ must be the foundation for all conflict resolution.

• Clothe Yourselves: Paul uses the image of putting on clothes, urging us to consciously adopt new virtues in place of the sins of the "old self" (v. 5-11). These virtues counteract the pride and selfishness that cause conflict.

• Essential Virtues:

  • Compassion and Kindness: This calls for a deep, heartfelt pity and active goodness towards others, even when they cause offense.

  • Humility and Gentleness: Humility is the antidote to pride, which is a core cause of quarrels (James 4:1-2). Gentleness is strength under control, choosing a mild response over retaliation.

  • Patience (Forbearance): The ability to "bear with each other," enduring others' flaws and irritations without demanding change or growing angry.

  • How easy/difficult do you find these virtues, what is your natural reaction to hurt, offence and anger?

  • What steps can you take to ‘put on new garments’?

• The Ultimate Standard: Forgiveness:

  • The command is to "Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another."

  • The motivation and measure is God’s grace: "Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Our forgiveness of others is a reflection of the costly and complete forgiveness Christ extended to us.

  • What does it mean to you to forgive? How real is the phrase “forgive and forget”, is it realistic to forgive and forget?

• The Binding Element: Love:

  • "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Love isn't just one virtue; it's the spiritual belt that holds the entire outfit together, making the practice of all the other virtues possible and effective.

  • How is it possible to ‘love’ those we are in conflict with, what does this love look like?

2. Ephesians 4:1-15: The Pursuit of Unity (The Community Goal)

Ephesians shifts the focus to the community, emphasizing the active effort required to maintain the unity that Christ has already established in the church.

• Walk Worthy of the Calling (v. 1): Conflict resolution isn't just about fixing a problem; it's about living in a way that reflects our high status as Christians. This involves the same virtues from Colossians: humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another in love.

• Maintain Unity (v. 3): We are called to "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Unity is a gift from the Holy Spirit (v. 4-6), but maintaining it is our daily responsibility.

• Grow to Maturity (v. 13-15): The ultimate goal is not just to manage disagreements, but for the entire body to grow up into the likeness of Christ. In the context of conflict, this means:

  • We are to speak the truth in love (v. 15). This is the key biblical balance: we must be honest about issues (truth), but our delivery and motivation must be rooted in care for the other person (love). This avoids being tossed about by deceitful teaching (v. 14) or tearing others down.

  • Do you have any examples of where the “truth in Love’ was done well, and not so well?

  • In a large diverse church what issues can cause conflict when we can have a wide range of views and ideas? How do we maintain ‘unity in the Spirit’

3. James 1:19-22: The Practical Discipline (The Action Plan)

James gives highly practical advice, focusing on self-control and proper hearing of God’s Word to prevent conflict from escalating.

• The Three-Fold Rule of Communication (v. 19):

  • Be Quick to Listen: Prioritize hearing and understanding the other person's perspective before formulating your own response. Listening shows respect and can de-escalate tension.

  • Slow to Speak: Resist the impulse to interrupt, defend yourself, or retaliate immediately. This pause allows time for the Holy Spirit's influence and helps you choose words that build up (Ephesians 4:29).

  • Slow to Anger: Our human anger, which is often rooted in selfish desires or wounded pride, does not produce the righteous behaviour God desires ("for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God" v. 20).

  • How good a listener are you, do you resist the impulse to interrupt, what measures can you take to listen well?

• From Hearer to Doer (v. 21-22): The final step is internal preparation and external application.

  • We must rid ourselves of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent (the inner source of conflict).

  • We must humbly receive the word of God.

  • The instruction is simple: Be a doer of the word, not merely a hearer. Applying the virtues of Colossians and the unity of Ephesians is the proof of genuinely receiving and obeying God's instruction for dealing with conflict.

  • How can we challenge and hold each other accountable to being good doers of God’s Word in this area?

Key Principles for Conflict Resolution

Source	Principle	Action
Colossians 3:12-14	Character Foundation	Put on Christ-like Virtues: Cultivate compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
	Ultimate Response	Forgive Completely: Forgive the grievance as Christ forgave you, freeing yourself from bitterness.
Ephesians 4:1-15	Relational Goal	Pursue Unity: Make a deliberate effort to keep the peace, recognizing our shared bond in Christ.
	Communication Method	Speak Truth in Love: Be honest and direct about the issue, but ensure your words are motivated by love and aim to build up.
James 1:19-22	Practical Discipline	Control Tongue & Temper: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, knowing human anger blocks God's righteousness.