Resolving Everyday Conflicts Series
- Grant Watts
- 1 day ago
- 3 min read
Facing The Flames Of Conflict
Foundation: The Old Self vs. The New Self
The key to resolving conflict biblically is recognising that our reaction to conflict is a choice between our old, corrupted nature and the new nature we have in Christ.
I. Understanding the Conflict Root (Ephesians 4:17-24)
Paul begins by contrasting the life of the non-believer ("Gentiles") with the life believers are called to. The root of destructive conflict lies in the "old self" and its way of thinking.
Old Self / Unbeliever (4:17-19, 22) | New Self / Believer (4:20-24) |
Mind: Futility of thinking, darkened understanding. (Vv. 17-18) | Mind: To be renewed in the attitude of your minds. (V. 23) |
Heart: Excluded from life of God, hard-hearted, calloused. (Vv. 18-19) | Heart: Taught the truth in Jesus. (Vv. 20-21) |
Action: Given over to sensuality, corruption by deceitful desires. (Vv. 19, 22) | Action: Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (V. 24) |
Key Principle for Conflict: When conflict arises, our first step is to check our mindset. Are we reacting out of the "old self"—driven by pride, defensiveness, or a desire for self-gratification—or are we responding from the "new self," seeking truth, righteousness, and holiness?
II. The 'Put Off' and 'Put On' of Conflict (Ephesians 4:25-31)
Paul gives six specific commands for addressing conflict and communication in the new life. This is the practical core of conflict resolution.
Put OFF (Negative) | Put ON (Positive) | Conflict Application |
Lying (V. 25) | Speak the truth to your neighbour. | Conflicts thrive on assumptions and exaggeration. Seek honest, humble facts. |
Uncontrolled Anger (V. 26-27) | Don't let the sun go down on your anger. and Don't give the devil a foothold. | It's possible to be angry without sinning (righteous anger), but prolonged, unresolved personal anger is dangerous and opens the door to sin and bitterness. |
Stealing (V. 28) | Do honest work... so you can share with anyone in need. | The shift from taking to giving—a spiritual attitude that undermines the selfishness that fuels most conflict. |
Unwholesome Talk (V. 29) | Only what is helpful for building others up... that it may impart grace. | Conflict is often worsened by harsh, accusatory, or gossipy language. Our words must aim to help, heal, and encourage, even when correcting. |
Grieving the Holy Spirit (V. 30) | Remember you were sealed for the day of redemption. | Our bad behaviour in conflict is serious; it hurts the Spirit who lives in us. This should motivate us to seek quick reconciliation. |
Bitterness, Wrath, Anger, Clamor, Slander, Malice (V. 31) | Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other. (V. 32) | A complete and total purging of all destructive conflict emotions. They must be put away—no exceptions. |
III. The Ultimate Goal: Peace (Romans 12:18)
The instruction in Romans 12:18 provides the overall goal and personal boundary for all conflict interaction.
"If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18, CSB)
"Live at peace with everyone." This is the command—to make peace a constant pursuit and a hallmark of our life. It must be our default position in all relationships.
"On your part." This is the boundary of our responsibility. We cannot control the other person's response (their unforgiveness, their persistence in hostility, etc.). We are only responsible for our own actions, attitude, and words.
"If it is possible." This is the reality check. Paul acknowledges that peace is sometimes impossible because the other party refuses it. In such cases, your responsibility is complete when you have genuinely and righteously pursued peace, as outlined in Ephesians 4:25-32.
Reflection & Discussion Questions
Personal Inventory (Ephesians 4:26-27): Is there a conflict or resentment you are currently allowing the sun to set on? What specific action could you take today to resolve it "on your part" and not give the devil a foothold?
Communication Check (Ephesians 4:29): In your most recent argument or disagreement, were your words "helpful for building others up" and did they "impart grace"? If not, what positive phrase or truth could you use next time instead of an accusation?
The Limit of Responsibility (Romans 12:18): When you think of a difficult person or unresolved conflict, how does the phrase "If it is possible on your part" both motivate you and relieve you of the burden of controlling their response?
The Motivation (Ephesians 4:32): The command to forgive is tied directly to God's forgiveness: "...just as in Christ God forgave you." How does contemplating the depth of your own forgiveness by God change your willingness to forgive someone who has wronged you?
